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Young Writers Society



LA la la la la - I can't hear you.

by Dark Maiden


The coolness of the rain felt good on my bare shoulders as I ran through the large park. My hair stuck to my face as the wetness came down in torrents. I reached Hummingbird Lake and quickly made my way to the pavilion. I sat down on one of the picnic tables and I waited. I wasn't sure who or what I was waiting for and my heart started to beet loudly as I wondered if I was doing the right thing. The rain was coming down harder than before and I watched it, dazzled by the beauty that surrounded me. I heard a stick crack and quickly turned. "Mara?" My voice cracked.

Her slim figure stood next to the large oak tree. She was studying me closely, her grey eyes hidden underneath her long black lashes. The water had straightened her auburn hair, which gave a different look to her pretty round face. I watched her, trying to decide if she was angry with me.

"Mara." She still didn't move and I shuddered as the rain came pouring down on her. She didn't seem to mind it, her arms lying loosely at her sides as her eyes seemed to be searching for something hidden within me. I didn't mind the rain either so I stood up and slowly crossed the pavilion and walked towards her, once again, rain pounding down on me.

"Stay where you are." Her voice was cold with hatred. I immediately stopped in my tracks, a tiny tear sliding down my face. She was angry with me. She hated me.

"Mara, I need you to forgive me. Please."

"He is dead, Alexandra. Dominic is dead. And you killed him."

Dead? I shook my head in confusion. "No, Mara, Dominic isn't dead. He can't be." What was she thinking? Dominic couldn't die. Mara stepped forward and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me angrily.

"He is, Alexandra. He is dead and you killed him."

"No!" I broke away from her grasp and looked around the park frantically. "No, he can't be dead! That is stupid! He isn't! I know he isn't!" I looked at Mara, horrified and scared.

"We warned you, Alexandra. We warned you about your powers. About how to use them and how not to use them. You screwed up. And killed my brother in the process. And now I am going to kill you." Her voice was bitter, filled with venom. I watched, stunned, as she stepped closer to me. My vision was blurred as tears streamed from my eyes. Thunder rumbled through the mountains and I shuddered. I wasn't cold. I was scared.

"Mara, please here me out. Please." She continued to glare at me. I once again looked around the park, hoping to see someone who might be able to help me. My powers were nothing compared to Mara's and I shuddered thinking about what might happen if we did fight. I loved Mara like a sister and I wished with all my heart she could love me back. But Dominic was dead. And that was all that mattered. "I didn't kill him, Mara." I wiped the wetness off my face and sighed. "I love Dominic. How could he be dead? How could I have killed him? He was more than just a brother to me." A sob broke from my shaky voice and I sat down on the wet cement. Suddenly I was exhausted.


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Points: 890
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Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:28 pm
VampireBadger wrote a review...



[quote] The coolness of the rain [quote]

there’s something about that… I think maybe something like “the cooling touch of the rain…” mind you, I’m probably just being picky. Ignore me!

[quote] My hair stuck to my face as the wetness came down in torrents[quote]

again, there’s something strange about this… “wetness” it’s not a word I would use. And yet I can’t think of an alternate…

another thing, you say “I” and “me” etc a little too many times. Try to vary your sentences. I used to do this a lot. They way I got round it, was to try my hardest not to start my sentences with them. The same applies for “she” and “he” etc.

there’s a couple of other pieces of fine tuning to be done to this story. I was focusing more in the story than the grammer and I will tell you this, I am sucked in. I would be very interested in seeing more of this. Keep writing and feel free to send me anything you want me to take a look at!




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410 Reviews


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Fri Jun 29, 2007 7:30 pm
Alainna wrote a review...



I really got into this piece; always a good sign!!!

The coolness of the rain felt good on my bare shoulders as I ran through the large park. My hair stuck to my face as the wetness came down in torrents. I reached Hummingbird Lake and quickly made my way to the pavilion. I sat down on one of the picnic tables and I waited. I wasn't sure who or what I was waiting for and my heart started to [s]beet [/s] (beat) loudly as I wondered if I was doing the right thing. The rain was coming down harder than before and I watched it, dazzled by the beauty that surrounded me. I heard a stick crack and quickly turned. "Mara?" My voice cracked.


On the whole I really liked the description in this paragraph. Some of it could be more.......mature if that's the right word.

"Mara, please [s]here[/s] me out. Please."


hear

My main comment is that it's a good start but needs to be expanded a lot. Flash backs or memories would be good, more description of feelings, colours, smells, places, people.
Keep up the great writing!

Alainna
xxxxxxxxx

P.S. Pm if you need help/ when you post more!!




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76 Reviews


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Fri Jun 29, 2007 12:56 pm
Shadowsun wrote a review...



I can't really add anything that sokool hasn't mentioned. It's a good piece of writing but it lacks in information. Maybe it should start a bit before? Inform the reader a bit more, tell them what happened to Dominic, how he died, if he is dead. He is dead right?

Now that I've got the bad out of the way, it's time for the good.

Your description is very good and your dialouge flows well. The signs of a good piece of writing. If you include a bit more information about their past, a flashback or something like that, it will improve the writing a lot and explain more (In my opinion anyway).

~ Shadowsun :D




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Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:38 pm
sokool15 wrote a review...



Hee hee, I have a character in a story I'm writing named Dominic.

I like it so far...I take it this is from the middle of your novel? If it's one of your chapters or a part of a chapter, I like it. If it was your beginning, I would say it was a little random and either too much or too little information. But as I said, it seems to me more like just a random piece out of your novel. In that context, it's really good and I like it.

If it's a whole chapter, I think you should lengthen it more on the end. At least just another paragraph delving into the shocked, exhausted, grief-stricken feelings she must be having.

Anyway, there's my two bits...take em or leave em.

Cheerio, 8)





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